Jake woke me every monring in the hospital at 3 AM. Sometimes he was back asleep by 4. I cant go back to sleep, so I gave in and took one of pills.
That is how it ends. They hand you a perscription, swaddle your dead baby and take him away.
I cant imagine what kind of pill could possibly help me but right now, at my first 3 am without my jake, i cant bear it any other way.
i didnt know you could hurt this bad or cry this much.
The world doesnt work right anymore. I dont understand how this happened.
He was doing better. They told me he was really seriously ill but he looked fine. His numbers, all his numbers were so good.
They asked me if they could put in an art line. A somple art line, 20 minutes. I said yes, I kissed my baby and I went to lunch.
He never came back. When I got back they were trying to get him out of respitory failure and all of a sudden they were talking about abdominal surgery. I only went to lunch. It was only an art line.
They got him back but they knew then. They didnt tell us but they knew. He started to swell up. He could only open his eyes to little slits on Friday night. Saturday morning I went to school and when I came back Joe was crying and saying they said it was over.
All his numbers were still so good. I yelled at everyone for scaring Joe. They showed me Jakes blood numbers but it doesnt mean anything to me. He is my little fighter, my Jake. It is impossible that he can die. It cant be.
I dont understand how numbers on a piece of paper mean he is dying.
Friday night, he opened his eyes, little slits of eyes and we made him smile.
He smiled for us. I dont know how that can be his last smile. He is only 2. It is his time for firsts. It can be time for lasts.
The horrible horrible thing is that no one every tells you about last things.
Today we took off all his monitors and tubes and wires. We bathed him and dressed him in the pajamas that everyone had signed for him on his birthday. We let everyone hold him and then Joe and Jake and I got into bad and we held him. Joe let me hold him until he stopped breathing.
It is not right. The world is not right anymore. I dont understand. I only went to lunch.
The worst part is that I started to forget.
When Jake has his massive stroke and it was clear that so much hard work would be ahead I decided to not look back. I started to try to forget everything that went on before because I didnt want Jake to feel like I felt he was less. I decided we would start all over again from scratch. I would forget everything he had been able to do and be happy for all he could do and was going to do.
Now it's hard for me to remember. I dont want to forget.
Here is my Jake -
whenever the phone rang he would stop what he was doing and go to stand by the phone to listen in case we were going to answer.
He would walk around everywhere with my cellphone and have long conversations. Then say "Okay, bye"
Every day after dinner he would say "bike" and we would take his bike down to the sidewalk and walk to the park. The first thing he said when he came off the anethesia from his Fontan was "bike".
When he was really little his daddy taught him to rub his hands together and look evil when we would say "Im gonna RULE the world". I would give an evil laugh "Ah ah ah" and Jake would said "I-e-e".
Every morning he would step on the scale and I would say "25 pounds of Jake" and he would crack up. If I said any other number he got mad.
I think the pill has started working. I have stopped crying and I feel different so maybe I can go back to sleep. Now I get to have firsts instead of Jake. My first morning without him is ahead.