Monday, October 22, 2007

3 AM

Jake woke me every monring in the hospital at 3 AM. Sometimes he was back asleep by 4. I cant go back to sleep, so I gave in and took one of pills.

That is how it ends. They hand you a perscription, swaddle your dead baby and take him away.

I cant imagine what kind of pill could possibly help me but right now, at my first 3 am without my jake, i cant bear it any other way.

i didnt know you could hurt this bad or cry this much.

The world doesnt work right anymore. I dont understand how this happened.

He was doing better. They told me he was really seriously ill but he looked fine. His numbers, all his numbers were so good.

They asked me if they could put in an art line. A somple art line, 20 minutes. I said yes, I kissed my baby and I went to lunch.

He never came back. When I got back they were trying to get him out of respitory failure and all of a sudden they were talking about abdominal surgery. I only went to lunch. It was only an art line.

They got him back but they knew then. They didnt tell us but they knew. He started to swell up. He could only open his eyes to little slits on Friday night. Saturday morning I went to school and when I came back Joe was crying and saying they said it was over.

All his numbers were still so good. I yelled at everyone for scaring Joe. They showed me Jakes blood numbers but it doesnt mean anything to me. He is my little fighter, my Jake. It is impossible that he can die. It cant be.

I dont understand how numbers on a piece of paper mean he is dying.

Friday night, he opened his eyes, little slits of eyes and we made him smile.

He smiled for us. I dont know how that can be his last smile. He is only 2. It is his time for firsts. It can be time for lasts.

The horrible horrible thing is that no one every tells you about last things.

Today we took off all his monitors and tubes and wires. We bathed him and dressed him in the pajamas that everyone had signed for him on his birthday. We let everyone hold him and then Joe and Jake and I got into bad and we held him. Joe let me hold him until he stopped breathing.

It is not right. The world is not right anymore. I dont understand. I only went to lunch.

The worst part is that I started to forget.

When Jake has his massive stroke and it was clear that so much hard work would be ahead I decided to not look back. I started to try to forget everything that went on before because I didnt want Jake to feel like I felt he was less. I decided we would start all over again from scratch. I would forget everything he had been able to do and be happy for all he could do and was going to do.

Now it's hard for me to remember. I dont want to forget.

Here is my Jake -

whenever the phone rang he would stop what he was doing and go to stand by the phone to listen in case we were going to answer.

He would walk around everywhere with my cellphone and have long conversations. Then say "Okay, bye"

Every day after dinner he would say "bike" and we would take his bike down to the sidewalk and walk to the park. The first thing he said when he came off the anethesia from his Fontan was "bike".

When he was really little his daddy taught him to rub his hands together and look evil when we would say "Im gonna RULE the world". I would give an evil laugh "Ah ah ah" and Jake would said "I-e-e".

Every morning he would step on the scale and I would say "25 pounds of Jake" and he would crack up. If I said any other number he got mad.

I think the pill has started working. I have stopped crying and I feel different so maybe I can go back to sleep. Now I get to have firsts instead of Jake. My first morning without him is ahead.

Good night.

85 comments:

Charles said...

Please know you are in my every thought.

1blueshi1 said...

If I could have one wish right now, you know what it would be. It is completely and painfully inadequate, but I am so, so sorry, and I wish I could be there to hug you.

Anonymous said...

My heart and my thoughts are with you. I know sorry is not quite the right words, but I am so, so sorry.

-Em

Helen said...

I am so sorry, and have been thinking of you a great deal. My thoughts and heart are with you and your family.

kd said...

I'm so sorry. I thought of you all last night until I fell asleep, and all day today. I wish there was anything in the world I could do to make it better, to make it go away, to make everything the way you want it to be. PLEASE let me know if you need anything. I'm sorry, honey. My heart is with you and Joe.

M said...

Here via Helen - I just wish that I hard words for you; there are none.....

much love x

Valerie said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

Anonymous said...

If only I could write something that would lessen your pain - but I know I can't. So all that I can say at the moment is that I am sorry.

Angela said...

My thoughts are with you, and your family. Sorry for your loss is indeed inadequate, but that's all that I can say.

Anonymous said...

Here via Helen. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope peace comes your way soon.

Laura

selzach said...

I am so sorry. You're in my thoughts.

pamibe said...

My deepest condolences to you and your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

redsaid said...

Sending a virtual hug your way.

Anonymous said...

Peace be with you and your family.

My deepest condolences to all of you.

cmhl said...

I am so very sorry..

donna said...

I am so so so so sorry. I don't have any other words.

wordnerd said...

I'm so...SO sorry. I wish I also had some other words. I'm sure Jake left this world knowing he was very loved.

sue said...

Here via Helen. Words can't say what I am feeling for you. I'm so very deeply sorry.

Heidi said...

Here via Helen....
There is nothing anyone can say to make this easier, but know you are in many people's thoughts and prayers.

Shannon said...

You and your family are in my thoughts. I am truly sorry for your loss

Caltechgirl said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you peace and understanding. I am so so sorry I can't say more.

Anonymous said...

i can't even imagine your pain..my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Karen said...

God bless you. You are in my prayers.

diamond dave said...

Came here via Helen, I comment quite often on her blog. My deepest sympathies to you and your family, and my wishes that you eventually find peace as you bear this unbearable burden.

This has not been a good week in blogland.

Becks said...

Here via Helen.....

Words are not enough, I'm so sorry.

Suze said...

Here via Helen. So sorry for your loss.

kenju said...

Helen sent me. I am so very sorry.

Anonymous said...

Here via Helen. I am so sorry for your loss and I am thinking of you and your family. ~hugs~

Flikka said...

Here via Helen

My heart is breaking for you.

Truck Driver Wife said...

Helen sent me. I am so very sorry. My heart is hurting and my tears are buring. I am so sorry.

plainjayne said...

I am so sorry. I came here through Helen as well. I hope that even a tiny bit of comfort can be felt from here, from me to you. Much love and prayers and thoughts for you.

Anonymous said...

Hugs & hope. Keeping his memory alive is your job now.

Mia said...

There are no words. I can offer only prayers.

Lisa said...

I am so heartbreakingly sorry for the loss of your Jake. I am thinking of you in this difficult time. Please let me know if there is anything I can do.

Anonymous said...

I'm new to your blog...i just wanted to say i'm so very very sad for you. I wish there was something i could say to help. Please keep writing. We are all here for you.

Veronica said...

I'm here via Helen.

I am so very very sorry for your loss. 2 is just too young to go.

I am thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

I found you through Baggage's blog.

I have a 2 year old, and I'm holding her especially tight today.

I have no words, and cannot fathom what you must be going through now.

Know that you, Jake, and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Lucia Moreno said...

I got to your blog through Lisa's.

My son, Manuel died almost two years ago in a car accident. He was 4.

I was miles away. By the time I got there he his body had spent a night in a fridge and I could not hold him.

I, too, fear forgetting but I am trying to accept that forgetting is just part of life.

I know you don't believe me now, but I can tell you this: it will get easier, better than now. Try to keep your eyes on the bright day when you will be happy again. I promise it will come, even if you don't want to to come.

We are starting an adoption. We do have another child, Rita, who was 2 at the time and did survive the accident, but we are happy and excited to go for number 3.

I hope you find peace and happiness in the future.
Lucia

Anonymous said...

I'm here via Helen. I'm so very sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts.

baggage said...

I'm so very sorry. Thinking of you and your family this morning.

Snickollet said...

I'm here via Lisa at Twinkle Little Star.

I'm so sorry. I lost my husband six months ago, and reading your post about saying goodbye brought back a lot of memories of the night he died.

Be kind to yourself and let people be kind to you. Know that so many of us are thinking about you and your family, especially little Jake.

Anonymous said...

I'm also here via Helen. Such terribly sad news. I have no words to say how sorry that I am -- I can only offer thoughts and prayers as you go through this excruciatingly difficult time.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your hoffiying loss. you & your family are in my prayers.

Penny L. Richards said...

I'm here via Lisa at Twinkle Little Star. I don't think I've ever read a blog entry so raw. Thank you for sharing this, because now the "nobody ever tells you" isn't true anymore--you just told it.

PS--My son is Jake too.

Meira said...

Hi -- I came here via Lisa @ Twinkle Little Star.

There are no words to express how sorry I am for your loss. I just keep thinking, over and over again: 'This is so wrong. This is not the way things are supposed to be.", as if chanting a reminder that will reverse it all.

I wish you peace.

procheinamy@gmail.com said...

I hope the knowledge of all these good thoughts helps.

GraceD said...

I am so very, very sorry.

Please take care.

Sending blessings and prayers,
Grace

Laura J. said...

I'm here via Lisa; I just read your whole blog.

I am so very sorry for your loss of your baby Jake. Sending you and your family all my love.

Laura

ig said...

Here via Helen,

I tried to send something yesterday but I couldn't. It just seems too empty whey I try to write.

I can't begin to imagine what you're going through, I can't imaging the strength you have to keep going.

We just had a baby 9 months ago, my first, and as I read your post, I couldn't read the end for tears. I stare at the picture on top of your blog and well up again.

I wish I could say something that would make you feel better, but I know I can't. Just know for what it's worth that my thoughts are with you and have been since I read your post.

God Bless.

Ig.

Mindy said...

My God, my God, I can't say anything to convey how awful I feel for you. All I can say is, keep writing. Keep writing, before you forget. That's how I started, because I didn't want to forget Dylan's story, and I couldn't remember anything after a few weeks. I couldn't read anything I'd written in a journal-it was too scrawled. But I got to take mine home after I was sure he was dying five days in a row, and was taking pictures of him, wondering if we'd have to lay one of those backless christening gowns on him before he went. Art lines, pic lines, blood gas, it all seems to sound routine, when none of it is. And those fucking numbers that say everything is ok, they just get your hopes up. I measured lasts. And then firsts. Keep writing about the firsts. They will be as important about the rest, but get it down now while you can still feel him in your arms.

I'm so sorry.

Kristi Sauer said...

I know we don't know each other, but my heart goes out to you. I cannot even imagine what a terribel loss you are going through. Prayers and lots of hugs to you :)

starsgoblue said...

You don't know me but I wanted to add my sympathy for your devastating loss. I haven't read through all of your blog, but from what I did read, it sounds as though your son was simply amazing, a certified hero. I wish you peace.

JuJuBee said...

I like to think that Jake is still with you, still all around you, I hope you can still feel him there. I'm so sorry. So,so sorry.

Type (little) a said...

I'm here from Beth's blog...

All I can think is why? He was 2. Why?

I won't soon forget your story and I won't forget your son.

My sincere condolences on your heartbreaking loss.

Krajcimama said...

I'm visiting from Beth's blog, too.

I can't imagine what you are going through right now. You will be in my thoughts and prayers as you go through the difficult times ahead. Your son sounds truly amazing ~ I'm so sorry for your loss.

Catizhere said...

Hi, Beth sent me.

I can't imagine what you are going through right now, but please know this... you are in my prayers.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

MoMMY said...

I am so sorry.

Anonymous said...

Hi, Beth sent me.

I am so sorry for your loss you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Kelley said...

Here via Beth too.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my prayers.

Mommy Daisy said...

Beth sent me. All I can say is I am so sorry. We will be praying for you and your family.

Welcome to our World said...

Beth sent us over... very sorry, thoughts and prayers and love to you and your family.

Sarah said...

Another sent over by Beth. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Granny said...

Yet another coming over from Beth.

I have no words except to tell you how very sorry I am. You and your family will be in m thoughts.

lilfootsmommy said...

I'm here from Beth's site.

I am so sorry for your loss. I can not imagine the pain you are going through. Please know that my thoughts, my prayers, they are with you and your family. May you feel peace soon.

Isabel said...

There is nothing I could say except I'm so sorry for your loss.

Jodi said...

There are just no words.

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

Fraulein N said...

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Felicia said...

Words can't even express how very sorry I am for your loss. OUR loss because our world will be a different place without him. As a mom myself I can only imagine what you may be going through. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Mr Lady said...

I don't even feel right saying anything, because I don't know you at all, but dear lord, I cannot stop crying for you right now. I am so very sorry for this. I've got to read back more and find out what caused all this, but sheesh...you don't know me at all, and I don't know you, but if I can do anything at all for you, please ask.

RzDrms said...

ah man, i am sickeningly sorry for your loss. really, i'm bawling for you, with you. what a tragedy. please take care of you. we'll pray.

Sparkle Pants said...

Here via Beth. I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. Your family is in my thoughts.

university politico said...

Also here via Beth. I sent this link to my mother, because she had three of us and she's getting ready to become a grandmother... I... I'm a simple stupid girl with nothing comforting or helpful at all to say, except that I'll be here. I'll keep reading. I'll keep praying. I'll keep doing whatever it is you need. Care packages from strangers? I'm on it.

I am so, so, so incredibly sorry that such a twisted, wrong wrong thing happened. It shouldn't be this way. I am so sorry that it is. I understand hating the idea of the pills, but needing them all the same.

You don't know me from Eve, but I'm with you in spirit, and I'm holding you up, as is everyone here.

All my love,
University Politico

Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry....

Steve said...

Came from Beth's site too.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I sit here just in awe of how beautiful you wrote.

You won't ever forget.

liz said...

Beth sent me.

I'm so very very sorry. I'm thinking of you and your family and know that you will never forget.

Meegan said...

i've never been to your blog before now. beth fish linked to it. i'm sobbing. i'm so so sorry for your loss. jake sounds like a very precious boy and he was, and always will be, a blessing; a true gift.

may God bring you peace and comfort. and may your perfect little man rest peacefully.

hugs from a stranger.

Zoe said...

I can not even begin to imagine the depth of your pain. As a mother I was crushed reading your words. Please know that my family is thinking of your family and praying for you all. May you find comfort in each other.

Michele said...

My religious upbringing, long scorned, still leads me to believe that your wonderful son is looking down on you, begging you to treasure each moment, each feeling, every breath. I really believe he is here, that no one is ever really gone. May you treasure each day in his honor, may you live for him so that he is never forgotten. How my heart breaks for you.
mommy of university politico

The McMommy said...

I am so sorry. Your words are beautiful and it is clear how blessed he was to have you and you to have him.

Suzanne

Katy said...

I don't even know what I can say to you in a time like this. You just broke my heart with your beautiful words to Jake.
I have never visited your site before but I can see how much of a blessing he was to you. I'm sorry his life was so short but at least you got to spend those two years with him.
You and your family are in my thoughts.

Sleepynita said...

I am here because of Beth. I have actually stumbled on your site before and read it all and I am so sorry to hear about your tragic loss. It just isn't right to lose a child, and it also doesn't seem right that the sun dare rise another day without your baby with you.......

Elaine said...

I came via Beth at So the Fish Said and while I haven't been around for this journey, I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss. No one should ever suffer such a horrible heartbreak. Please know our thoughts are with you.

Amy said...

tears are streaming
hearts are breaking
thoughts are loving

There are no other words, only memories.

Hula Doula said...

I know that time has passed since this has happened but it probably feels like yesterday.
My heart goes out to you and your family.
I am so sorry.

Foggy Views said...

A year has past. Felt a need to re-read your post. Read and wept anew.

My best to you and your family.